How to Choose a Therapist
The search for a therapist can be fraught with anxiety, apprehension, and late night googling that ends up in overwhelm. Learn why the “perfect fit” therapist isn’t always necessary and why being flexible with who you work with can lead you to growth you didn’t know you were looking for.
The search
Most of us can relate to the anxiety that comes with finding your next therapist. It can often be a big barrier to taking the first step and reaching out for counseling. Where do you find a therapist? How do you know they will be good? How do you know it will be a comfortable and safe experience? People are often reaching out in times of crisis, in times of desperation, and in times of vulnerability. So, sitting in front of a stranger and sharing your deepest struggles is naturally scary. I mean, it isn’t normal for anyone to meet a stranger and one of the first things they ask you is: have you ever experienced trauma or loss? Or do you abuse substances? Not to mention: tell me your whole life story and all the ways you are struggling. With all of that on the line, sometimes we find ourselves anxiously trying to find a therapist who is the “perfect fit.”
The “perfect fit”
I wonder what you would define as the “perfect fit”? Maybe its someone with the same sense of humor as you, someone who is in the same stage of life as you, someone who identifies as a specific gender, someone who has been through what you have so they can relate to you, or maybe someone with whom it feels comfortable and natural to talk to right off the bat. And maybe it’s all that and more. The challenge is that the perfect therapist can be nearly impossible to find, and when you do think you've found them, it's easy to feel let down if reality doesn't match the picture in your head.
An Alternative Perspective
One important note before I go on: everything here assumes you’re working with a licensed, ethical therapist. Ethics and competence aren’t negotiable, and they’re different from fit.
I have thought a lot about the client-therapist relationship in my career and I’ve come to a conclusion that might surprise you. You don’t have to find a “perfect fit” therapist to have a healing and growth-filled counseling experience. I think sometimes we get stuck trying to make every detail line up, that we miss out on opportunities that stretch us, help us grow, and surprise us in the best ways.
I have had clients who are not a “perfect fit” for me. Sometimes it feels a little uncomfortable or awkward with a new client, or they have life experiences that are a complete 180 from mine. I have had times where clients have not felt like we are on the same page or we are not gelling in the perfect way. But the amazing thing is, these clients often get a lot out of therapy. We end up having a great working relationship that we had to work on, talk through, and develop over time.
There is so much work that can be done when you are working on the therapeutic relationship alongside a therapist. Developing a healthy therapeutic relationship with someone who you may not naturally gravitate toward can bring up parts of yourself you were not aware of, bring up emotions that you can now acknowledge, and the best part: it can bring up stuff for you to work out in real time in the therapy room.
The “good-fit”
So what does matter when choosing a therapist? Here are some qualities of a good-fit therapist:
Someone with appropriate credentials and ethical practices.
Someone who explains how therapy will work, including what sessions look like and how you'll track progress.
Someone who is honest about their limits and refers you out when something is outside their training.
Someone you can disagree with, or tell "that didn't land," without it getting weird.
Someone who is consistent and reliable, with clear policies on scheduling, fees, and communication.
Someone who is curious about your story instead of fitting you into a formula.
Someone who challenges you kindly and doesn't just agree with everything you say.
Someone with experience in what you're coming in for, even if their own life looks different from yours.
Someone who respects your culture, faith, identity, and background, and is willing to learn what they don't know.
Someone you feel safe enough with to be honest, even if you're still warming up.
This is not an exhaustive list. It’s an example of what a good-fit could look like. The key here is to be flexible. Let go of the desire to find the perfect therapist and open yourself up to working with someone who is competent, ethical, caring, and willing to work on the therapeutic relationship with you.
Our Approach
At Storywell Counseling we prioritize an authentic, client centered approach that builds safe and healthy relationships with each of our clients because there is no good work that can be done without that. And if there is misunderstanding, awkwardness, or difficulty along the way, we talk about it, work through it, honor our clients, and invite them into the sometimes messy and healing process of building a healthy and safe relationship with their therapist. We talk through the relationship as it progresses so that there is a solid foundation for real and deep change. Alongside that, we bring in evidenced-based therapeutic approaches grounded in science and research. With this paradigm, we can feel confident that we are providing the best care possible to whoever walks in the door, even if we are not the “perfect fit.”
